So through the years I have found that writing out all of my thoughts and feelings can be theraputic. Often times when I am angry and upset about something I can take my journal or any piece of paper and just find a corner (usually in my closet) and just write it all out. I find that afterwards I can usually sort out my true feelings from those that are just passing ones. After doing this I feel better and have a clearer picture of a situation or circumstance. By reviewing all of my thoughts and opinions in a freestyle format I can usually see that sometimes my feelings are irrational and can see instead the true blessings that I have in my life. It has worked many many times and I come away from the task with a clearer head, heart and outlook.
As of late it hasn't seemed to work quite so well; some of my feelings just keep stewing around and around and around. I have thought that maybe by just writing things that only I read, for some things it is good enough, but for other things maybe it is still keeping it all inside me. Maybe I need a vent. I don't like confronting uncomfortable emotions anyway so I tend to just clam them all up inside a box and shove it way down deep. Usually the watch guard I keep on those feelings and emotions is very attentive and that box is kept in check. On occasion however, the box seems to burst it's seams, or the watch guard falls asleep, and some of those emotions get leaked out at sometimes unexpected moments. I can feel myself becoming a more negative person in general, due to probably an overload of uncomfortable emotions being stored inside me.
Lately, rather than seeking out friends and going out of my way to make someone happy I keep to myself. If someone comes to me I can muster the strength to be sociable but I don't seek others out. This is not like me.
One reason I think is for fear that at any moment they can see through my shield or that the watch guard will fail and some uncomfortable emotion will bubble up at the wrong time. I have actually felt this at times begin and I have quickly averted the situation with sarcasm or quick subject change. I don't like this person I have become. So in an attempt to create a vent for some of these emotions to get expressed rather than repressed I am starting this blog.
I haven't blogged on my regular blog in a long time because I don't want the negative to be leaked into what I want to keep as a family blog. So ... the other blog will be for the True family stories that I want to share and keep as a family record, this blog is the "whole story" sometimes the uncomfortable feelings that accompany us in life, that are sometimes not socially acceptable to express quite so openly. Sometimes I can't say what really happened because saying it completely open in "public" will offend someone. Sometimes some people are involved that may be readers of my "family" blog that.... well you get the idea...
So of course there has to be some rules if you are going to be a reader of this blog.... Rule #1 THOU SHALT NOT GET OFFENDED! If you are someone who is easily offended, just stop reading now.
Many times I just need to "pass gas" or in other words, let off some steam, and it is usually truthfully a lot of hot air and those thoughts and feelings have never rooted themselves in my mind. It is just like I said, hot air, once it's out it is not given another thought and therefore probably not any real conviction or opinion I hold. If I do hold strongly to a feeling I will label it such. Also a reason for Rule#1 is that we are all entitled to have our own opinions, we are all different and have different experiences and different interpretations of life. I personally prefer open and honest and blunt communication, but since many don't lend well to this type of communication we have to all be sensitive of what we say, be politically correct and such. Blah blah blah... if someone thinks I am off my rocker than I would rather them come out and say "dude you are freakin nuts, here's why I think this..." rather than wait and whisper it behind my back or avoid me like a plague, because then I know, you and me we aren't on the same line of thinking, we don't have to try and force one another to think alike, we know it and can be respectful of it. Heck ya I probably will argue with some people sometimes when I don't think they are seeing reason; and if I do have a firm and staunch opinion on something you better believe I will fight tooth and nail to defend my postition... but when it is all said and done I am not offended if you don't convert to my way of thinking, so I don't want anyone else to be offended either if my mind isn't changed.
Rule #2- .... Ok really, just rule #1 is all that matters.
I would like to also put out a disclaimer to begin with... I have a good life. I know this, I am aware of this. I am very happy with my husband, my kids and my life in general. So any venting I do to the contrary is just that, I am venting some passing feelings that Satan likes to use to trip me up. Venting out some of those feelings is my way of getting rid of them and remembering just how good I have it.
Okay I do have another disclaimer. I have always hidden behind the written word. Like I stated to begin with, I don't do well with uncomfortable emotions. I am not good at expressing my thoughts verbally, especially if any sort of emotion is attached, I get jumbled and tongue tied and it usually doesn't come out very clearly. So from the time I could write I have always expressed my feelings through writing. So here it is.... The Whole Story
Sunday, January 17, 2010
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